Observations on the 2006 State of the Union Address (With Jokes)

Never have I heard a speech so cravenly calculated to consistently get applause from both sides of the aisle. And even better: it worked.

No specifics. This may be the most vague SOTU on record.

He's distinguishing (now) between "terrorists" and "insurgents." He's not making any outsized claims about the readiness of the Iraqi military. He's placating. Pandering. But I'll concede, it makes the speech better.

I just saw, in the gallery, a future President of the United States: Representative Harold Ford, Jr. (D-TN). I swear the man snacks on charisma bars throughout the day. Somehow I find him terribly reassuring. Also, Obama's part of Democratic leadership now? Is this guy on the fast-track to the White House, or what?

It's pathetic to watch Sam Alito looking to his right, at fellow Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, for an indication as to when (and if) to clap. Note: this is the last time Alito will look to Breyer for guidance on anything.

Republicans are doing their damnedest to ensure that their standing ovations for continued loss of American lives in Iraq are longer than the ovation given for Coretta Scott King (who died today) at the beginning of the President's speech. Make no mistake, at least a few Republicans are glad the bitch is dead, and a whole handful of others simply don't care about either her life or the cause that she and her late husband fought for.

This is a speech oddly targeted at apolitical Americans; strange, as this is the group least likely to watch the State of the Union.

Cindy Sheehan was supposed to be a guest of Representative Lynn Woolsey (D-CA). Instead, she was arrested by Capitol Hill police. We're not yet certain why. [ON EDIT: CNN is reporting that Sheehan was arrested when she refused to cover up a t-shirt with an anti-war slogan. That's right, this is America, and we are terrified of t-shirts. Particularly the President is terrified of t-shirts. Oy vey, what a cowboy he is! (Cowboys are notoriously terrified of cotton blends)].

Kerry--amazingly--managed to get a shot of himself (on national television) talking to the Joint Chiefs of Staff just moments before the President arrived at the lectern. Nothing this man does is an accident.

The President has made clear, now, that Iran "sponsors terrorists" and is "defying the world" with regard to nuclear weapons. Under the Bush Doctrine, that would be effectively a declaration of war, but we just don't have the troops to spare. He also addressed Iranians directly in friendly, open-handed terms; read: We're coming for you next.

When the President asked Congress to reauthorize The Patriot Act, Alito tented. I swear the man tented.

Lest that last observation not be clear: when Bush described his illegal wiretapping scheme--just as when he asked Congress to reauthorize The Patriot Act--Sam Alito did the Purple Mushroom Salute With Full Honors.

When Bush described his illegal wiretapping scheme, Hillary was caught giving a patronizing shake of her head. Does she ever escape a State of the Union unscathed? The media pool must hate her.

Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) did not sit down during the Address. No, seriously, I'm pretty sure he was applauding the whole time and was nearly arrested for doing so.

I find it ironic Bush stumbled over the word "vicious." Hasn't he heard that adjective applied to his mother Barbara enough times to pronounce it correctly?

When Bush asked Congress to make his tax cuts permanent, all the Republicans tented. I swear it's like they were sitting on trampolines, not benches. If there's one thing the G.O.P. likes more than pointless, bloody wars, it's ill-advised, top-heavy tax cuts.

The President mentioned "earmark reform" (G.O.P. slang for "that corruption problem") and John McCain (R-AZ) started to rise (to applaud). But no! Bush screwed him again, ending his sentence with some tripe about getting himself the line-item veto, which I think McCain (and every Congressperson with a pulse, Cornyn excluded) opposes.

The Democrats stole one when they applauded the President's observation that Congress had failed to pass his Social Security reform plan. This clearly pissed off the President and I believe he almost left the lectern to stick a boot in Patty Murray (D-WA)'s ass. I don't know why I single out Senator Murray; I think it's because she's one of the few Senators who doesn't look like she already has a boot in her ass. That's probably because she's a former schoolteacher. That means that, unlike most Senators, or the President, she once had a real job.

The Democrats keep throwing Bush off by applauding at "unauthorized" points in his speech. It's a coup.

I'm pretty sure I saw Senator Rob Menendez (D-NJ) sleeping. Good for him. It's time better spent.

Bush will not be able to pass a single one of the [ambitious/foolhardy] pieces of legislation he's now describing. I think it's why Republicans aren't (with the exception of Cornyn) tenting more frequently during the speech.

The President just said we could power our cars with woodchips. Hey, didn't he admit during the 2004 presidential debates to owning a lumber company? Hmm...

Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton crushed at least three endangered species beneath her snakeskin boots during during the President's discourse on woodchips. Seriously.

John Cornyn set a Guinness World Record for "uninterrupted tenting" during the President's speech.

John Cornyn is not on Viagra.

The President is touting America as "decent and compassionate"; twenty minutes ago he proposed dramatic cuts in entitlements (you know, Medicare, Medicaid). We report, you decide.

Wow. Kudos to Bush for linking "unethical conduct by public officials" and "activist judges redefining marriage." Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court Chief Justice Margaret Marshall, meet Jack Abramoff.

When the President thanked Sandra Day O'Connor for her years of service, Alito clapped so hard that for a moment I thought he was masturbating. Hey, it's possible, what with his crippling tenting problem and all (a problem which recedes the further away from the President he is).

God Herb Kohl (D-WI) looks old.

The hatred borne by the Governor of Louisiana for this President is literally ineffable. It filled the room like acrid smoke when the President touted his Administration's response to the Katrina disaster. I literally saw her cracking a ball bearing between her teeth during the media's brief shot of her.

This speech was more like an Inaugural Address than a State of the Union speech.

Post-speech, Tim Russert is acting amazed that Republicans and Democrats don't see eye-to-eye on major political issues and therefore applauded the President largely at different times. Is he f*cking serious? He has his hands so far down the President's pants he can map the man's taint from memory.

Chip Reid is saying the President can't do sh*t this year; it's an election year. Thanks Chip, you just earned your six-figure salary.

David Gregory says that NBC's polling confirms the nation's overwhelmingly behind this President on illegal wiretapping; since when does a 55/45 split "overwhelm" anyone? And how do we interpret that figure, in light of the 52/45 split in favor of impeaching this President over Iraq if he misled about Iraqi WMDs? And the 58% of Americans who believe he did, in fact, mislead America about those WMDs? Does the nation "overwhelmingly" consider this President a liar? And how would that color Gregory's assertion that the President can use his illegal wiretapping scheme to his advantage in this November's Congressional campaigns?

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine's "Democratic Response" was the best I have ever seen from any minority party. Holy sh*t, the Dems actually found someone who can speak into a camera! The response was a joy to watch--nothing like Nancy Pelosi's horrifying Botox moment a couple of years ago.

I would vote for Obama for President. As in, right now.